OFF CAMPUS

Exactly one week ago today, A-Rod, My New Best Friend and I hopped on a United Airlines flight for PAX East 2012 … and that was our first mistake.  The first leg of our journey to the promised gaming land was delayed and the second leg, from Houston to Boston, stands easily as one of the most uncomfortable plane trips I’ve ever endured.  All three of us were somehow afforded the opportunity to sit next to a squalling child of not our choice; MNBF and I were subjected to the random noises of one particularly loathsome little troll who was constantly being (unsuccessfully) shushed by his mother.  And if I may continue whining like a white person for a few phrases more, I have to say while I’m not sure what jet type we were on, I was cramped as all hell too (unfortunately, this was not the most ridiculous sitting situation I would experience over the weekend, but I’ll come back to that later).  So we arrived in Boston pissed and hungry (did I neglect to mention they decided not to feed us either?) in the early evening and found ourselves presented with the following options:

1) Eat dinner twice, since the rest of The Gang was still in transit or
2) Donner Party that shit

We chose Option One and headed to Parish Cafe where I had the most sublime of sandwiches.  Or maybe I was just really hungry.  Either way, it was super satisfying.

***

Things Seen and Heard at PAX

“They’re not going to hit me [while I walk in the street in front of traffic].  My coffee doesn’t have a lid.”

***

Dinner Number Two took place at Durgin Park, where I was delighted to once again meet the charming waitress who explained to me what “skrod” was back during PAX East 2010 or 2011 (I forget which).  It was there that A-Rod began to engage in a one weekend-only personal performance piece reenacting the Passion of the Christ (it was Easter, after all).  In all seriousness though, it seems that at least one of us gets sick at these shows every year (me and Angry Bees in 2009, MNBF in 2010), so I guess it technically was his turn.

We attempted to turn in early, since none of our trio was afforded the chance to sleep on the flight up.  I spent the next two hours tossing and turning whilst A-Rod entered into the pain/pleasure state that only Advil Cold and Sinus can inflict.

I guess that’s what I get for trying to sleep during PAX.

***

Things Seen and Heard at PAX

“Cards Against Humanity sold out forever.  Fuck off.”

***

Already exhausted before PAX had even begun, the three of us staying at the Hilton at Logan International dragged our collective asses out of bed in time for breakfast at Dunkin Donuts early enough so that we could be sure to make the PAX Keynote Speech from one Jordan Mechner.  There we caffeined up while we simultaneously discussed chemical equations and invented coffee themed historical personages (Mochamemnon, Laettes, etc.).

(I don’t know why we did this, although I do seem to recall some dude in a hat and kilt that MNBF dubbed “Cortez McHaggis.”  I do know we were pretty tired.)

Anyways, we joined Captain Sam, Tabletop, and Lil G the Boy Wonder in the queue line … eventually.  Turns out there were two queue lines, and we initially picked the wrong one (this would not be the only time I would do this, but more on that later).  Anyway, Lil G fortuitously brought a copy of Cards Against Humanity, which I would like to take a moment to declare as The Official Game of PAX East 2012, with which to pass the time.  At the risk of sounding like a braggart, I immediately displayed a strong affinity for this game (although I have to say Tabletop, the Master of the Awkward Silence, is even better), which is essentially Apples to Apples made incredibly inappropriate.  The strongest winning hand I played all weekend, a “haiku” that I cobbled together from three unrelated cards per the dictates of that round’s specifications, follows for your collective amusement/horror:

Repression
Oprah Winfrey weeping into a Lean Cuisine dinner
Peeing a little bit

***

Things Seen and Heard at PAX

“Shitty dicklicker.  Discuss.”

***

Mechner would go on to deliver the only PAX Keynote I’ve witnessed that actually finished ahead of schedule.  It was alright, but I’m not entirely sure what his thesis was supposed to be.  This, in turn, was followed by the first of two Q&A panels with Penny Arcade creators Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik, and it was as entertaining as it always is.

After an offsite lunch provided by our unofficial offsite weekend lunch sponsor J. Pace, I went “looking for group” over at Wizards of the Coast’s Dungeons and Dragons gaming area and glombed on to another group of three.  We knocked out a two-hour session that ended up being fairly challenging as the adventure was intended to be played by a group of six.  It got a little hairy at parts, but everyone “made it out alive” so to speak and I for one enjoyed it quite a bit.  We finished in time for me to make the “Ask A Dungeon Master” panel, so I headed up upstairs and got in line.  Or should I say, a line.  After we got seated, thirty minutes after the intended start date I might add, I realized that I was in the wrong fucking panel and left supremely pissed off at myself for not being more careful.

I guess it wasn’t the worst thing in the world that I missed that panel, as I was able to join everyone for Lil G’s Sweet 16 Birthday dinner at … I don’t remember.  Some fancy Italian joint. The take away point was Lil G and PhD proceeded to split a bottle of wine between them, and while I got to enjoy some quality time with Drunk Lil G, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you how little PhD was fazed by that amount of spirits.  Which isn’t great, as I know I wanted to be intoxicated for what was coming next.

As we got out of dinner with a couple of hours to spare before Robert Khoo’s midnight panel, Lil G suggested hitting a bar to kill that time.  Sensible enough, but the only bar-esque establishment in walking distance was really trying to be a dance club, and that wasn’t going to work for our purposes.  So it was decided that we should all reconvene at Bacon Palace (I Can Do It’s humble abode) for merriment and such.

Just one snag though.  We had like a dozen people … and two small cars.  Thus, I found myself stuffed into PhD’s vehicle with PhD, Lil G, Captain Sam, Lady Huggingsly, and Tabletop for the worst 15 minute drive ever.  I don’t want to go into it too much, on the advice of the nice men in the white coats, but I will say this: I now know why the caged gerbil in Richard Gere’s asshole cries.

***

Things Seen and Heard at PAX

“Dude, did you get a chance to see the Dungeons and Dragons booth?”
“A little.  I walked by it.”
“Did you see the–”
“OhmyGodyes!  The Crazy Spider Tits Goddess?”
“Wasn’t that awesome?”
“No!  That was fucking terrifying!  Why would somebody make that?”

***

To cap off the evening, I Can Do it and Maddie were kind enough to drop myself and a half-dead A-Rod back at the BCEC for “Khoo and A”.  The panel, as late as it went down, was worth the wait.  It was a fascinating and candid look back at the history of how one business man took a chance on two guys making comics about video games ten years ago and the multimedia fiefdom that ensued.  I say fiefdom rather than empire because of a theme that Khoo kept coming back to over and over again: once a business reaches a certain size, it loses its initial family-like atmosphere forever.  And so while Khoo remains the consummate business guy, I really get the  impression that Penny Arcade as a business entity is unlikely to get much larger than it currently is.  I’m not sure if I think that’s a good thing or not … but then I’m really coming from a place of wanting a PAX for every season, and that won’t happen unless they hire up.  I will say this: whatever call Robert Khoo eventually makes is likely to be the correct one.

Anyway, the thing broke at 2 in the fucking morning so I had to hop in a cab to get back to the hotel in order to catch a few hours sleep before Day Two commenced.

***

Things Seen and Heard at PAX

“Line is like seven, eight, nine, ten people long.  And all of the sudden someone goes, well there’s a urinal there available.  And I’m like, wait, all I have to do is piss.  And then it dawns upon me that there are ten people in front of me that just want to shit.  That’s all they want to do, like there are some real PAX poops that are about to happen in front of me.”

***

Saturday began much as the day before: a weary march on a chilly Boston morning to Dunkin Donuts for grub prior to getting in line for a panel we anticipated would fill up; the only real difference was this time we had Big Time with us instead of A-Rod, who elected to spend his morning trying not to die.

The panel in question, Make A Strip, continues to be the best consistently quality gathering of the whole PAX experience.  Not only do the fans get to watch Holkins and Krahulik work in real time, but the overall level of discourse between hosts and guests during this process rises perceptibly.  I’m not sure what causes that, but it is palpable.

After that panel broke, I headed out alone, carefully this time, for a panel from WotC about the latest iteration of Dungeons and Dragons in development.  And I’m sorry to say, that’s most of what I have to report about that particular gathering because a) my exhaustion level had reached its apex and I kept zoning out and b) the game is still in such an early phase of development that WotC frankly doesn’t have that much to say about it yet.

Panel Day would continue as The Gang convened in force for Pitch a Game, wherein a panel of three industry insiders solicit pitches for ridiculous game ideas and then sit in mock judgement.  While I was delighted to see that Spray and Pray, a concept for a second-person shooter that was made up pretty much on the fly by its creator would go on to win First Prize, the highlight of the panel was undeniably when someone pitched Just the Tip 2: A Little Bit Deeper, “sequel” to the the original Just the Tip that Lil G and I Can Do It conceived of at the first PAX East in 2010.  Main panelist, Jeff Kalles, immediately counter launched into a bit entitled Get the Shaft, which he admitted he’d had holstered for the last two years.

Yes, I’m unreasonably proud that my compatriots have created PAX East’s first official meme.  Sue me.

***

Things Seen and Heard at PAX

“I threw. Those pants.  Away.”

***

Big Time and I made an attempt to get into the DM’s Challenge games Saturday night, but we quickly discovered that the requisite wait time was going to be absurd once again, so we abandoned that plan early enough for me to join the bulk of our party for dinner at Morton’s Steakhouse.  It was superb, as high-end steakhouses often are, but I wasn’t really that hungry, and most of the indicated portions were absolutely off the hook in scope.  I settled on a shrimp scampi pasta that was quite good, but not exceptional, and a fantastic chocolate cake.

The other nice thing about being gameless on Saturday night was that I finally got to experience a Giant Bombcast Live panel; I’ve always had some sort of schedule conflict in the past.  Per Lil G’s promise, they were pretty great and very entertaining once they settled into a grove and got into the prepared portion of their presentation.  I’m very much looking forward to adding them into my rotation of podcasts that I listen to when I draw.

***

Things Heard and Seen at PAX

“Of course it’s easy.  It’s Harvard.”

***

In what must be described as a tender Easter mercy, PAX lacked any must-see material Sunday morning, which allowed us to finally recharge our batteries with some much needed sleep.  Obviously, we went to Dunkin Donuts yet again, for what is life without a comfortable routine?  Upon arrival at BCEC one last time, I hit the Classic Arcade Game Room with Captain Sam and Lil G and spent a wonderful hour reveling in bad 80′s music and playing old as hell games that I no longer am capable of playing with any sort of  proficiency.  I think I deluded myself into thinking that I was making a modicum of progress at Sega Turbo but upon reflection, I’m confident that was, in fact, just a delusion.

The three of us did lunch at Legal Market (J. Pace was closed in observance of Easter) before attending the second Penny Arcade Q&A panel.  I intended to ask Krahulik a couple of art questions, but due to time constraints, I didn’t get an opportunity to pose those queries.  You see, they ended up capping the line right after me, and the lady right behind me, on the verge of tears, asked if she could have my spot.  Now lest I come off as a much better person than I actually am, allow me to explain why I acquiesced.  One, I still have warm feelings from five years ago when a young man I didn’t know from Adam agreed to sale me a spot in a queue line so I could get a commission sketch from J. Scott Campbell, my favorite comic book artist of all time, and I wanted to pay that kindness forward.  Two, she wanted to show off this absolutely amazing cross-stitch she had done of the overworld map from the Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and I didn’t want to be the reason no one got to see that if I could help it (indeed, I’m kind of kicking myself for not asking to snap a photo to share with you guys).  Besides, it’s not as if I’m not planning to attend PAX Prime this Labor Day, ya know?  Those questions will keep.

Anyway, I had about an hour to kill before making my way to the airport, so I took a look around the exhibit hall for really the first time all weekend.  Games that caught my notice, in no particular order:

Guacamelee: A two-person side-scroller in the vein of Shank.  Totally wish I had time to play this.

Orcs Must Die 2: Kitschy first person adventure game.  Looks fun.

Girl Fight: Know how those old school one-on-one fighting games used to sport one or two “hot chick” characters?  Well, it appears someone made one of those with all hot chicks.  You will notice that when you knock your opponent to the ground, her nethers become visible.  Classy.

Deadliest Warrior: Another one-on-one fighter.  This one features historical figures as characters and, absurd as it sounds, real-time damage.  So, basically, after one or two hits are landed, your opponent is reduced to a pile of viscera or a pair of torso-less legs capable only of fleeing.  As stupid as that is, and it is stupid, it’s a remarkably entertaining game.

***

Upon leaving for the airport, the following text message exchange occurred:

Lil G: Packed in a car train next to attractive lesbians kissing each other.  Figured you would appreciate this. [Editor's Note: I totally did.]
Me: You’re a good person.
Lil G: Clearly I did something right.
Lil G: I guess they’re Jewish too.  It’s a Passover miracle!
Me: Mazel tov!

***

I can’t speak for A-Rod or MNBF, but I found the flight back was considerably more comfortable than the journey up.  Much thanks to our gracious hosts, and I can’t wait to do it all again in Seattle this Labor Day Weekend.

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PAX East 2012 By the Numbers

Utilikilts spotted per Giant Bombcast: 17
Consecutive guys who really needed to shit: 10
Cost in US dollars for set of sick “Dwarven Metal” dice that I contemplated buying: 50
Meals procured at Dunkin fucking Donuts: 4
Number of times Robert Khoo refused to say where he buys his suits: 3
Tearful Canadians aided: 1
Numer of times I got in line for the wrong fucking panel: 1
Milligrams of pseudoephedrine that A-Rod consumed: approximately 240
Kickstarter projects proposed: 2
Number of times Captain Sam assured me he was just looking for the seat belt: 2
Classic arcade games I’m bad at: all of ‘em apparently
Bothans who died to bring you this information: many

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What I’m Playing: Cards Against Humanity
What I’m Watching: Mad Men Season 5
What I’m Listening to: “Little Talks” (Of Monsters and Men)